*Ahem* I haven't ever really written about me in here, so I guess now's a good time to start, seeming as I have all this time at the moment. Actually I have already written most of this out in a blog so it's gonna be more like an autobiography....or biography, can't ever remember the difference between the two, lol. My life has been fairly frustrating for about the past.....5 years or so....but even more for the past 2.

June 2, 2007
Well, seeming as I have't written an blog here in...God knows how long...forever? Actually, I've never really written here. I guess it's time to possibly update, even though I don't think you guys read this....meh, don't really care, this is just a way for me to...calm myself I guess. Lol, I guess we could start a weekly update here, who knows? Just have to remember to actually WRITE in it.

Well, I did it. I graduated. After all the stress, all the tears, all the times that I just wanted to quit, I made it. No more high school for me EVER. The thing that really bothered me, was the fact that I didn't graduate with the people that I've known my entire life. Instead, I graduated with people that I barely know. But hey, I'm not complaining, I'm graduated ya'll. It's funny where life takes you. You believe that you're gonna be stuck in one place for your entire life, and you're ok with that, even though you think change would be ok. But then when it actually happens, you're shocked and wish it DIDN'T happen.

Then you sit back and listen to your friends, listen about all their problems at home and with friends and the like, and you think "Man I'm glad that's not me." Ya, it can actually happen to you, believe me I know. It could be worse, WAY worse, and I'm thankful it's not.

Texas isn't that bad. Just living next to the biggest army base in the US isn't all it's cracked up to be. It sucks. I hate it. But, I've met some really great people here in the last two years, people that have changed my life. Not necessarily for the better, nor the worst, but yes, I've changed. Some. Not much. I've finally accepted who I am, which is something I thought that I would never do. It gets tiresome, wishing that you looked like everyone else, but then I realized that I'm just happy being me....I like looking different. I hate stereotypes, so I'm not one. I am me. That's it.

I turned 18 today, and I can say that it doesn't really feel any different. My mom asked me if it felt different, to be graduated and older. No, it really doesn't. Not yet anyway, I may not have actually let it sink it just yet. I mean come on, I'm getting out of one school just to go to another one, and college is A LOT harder than high school, even though that's hard to believe, it's true.

I've had to make several difficult choices during the past two years, and I thought that that would come to a halt, at least for a little while. Nope. Now, I'm stuck with where I want to go. I wanted to go back to Missouri, which is home, to go to school. Now, my mom is asking me if I would consider going to CTC instead of moving back home. The job market back their sucks, and plus they wouldn't be there. You figure, since I don't like Killeen at all, that that would be a simple decisin, right? Hell no.

Yes, I want to go home, but yes, I want to stay here. My best friend lives here, and even though she's moving, she'll still be in Texas. My mother lives here, and she's also my best friend. Sure, I have friends in Missouri who I'd love to see, but....it's different. I know that I'm 18 and it's time for me to be on my own, but I don't want to leave my mom here. Sure she's a big girl, she can take care of herself, yadda yadda yadda, I've heard it all before. It makes me feel better knowing that I want be far if she needs me for something. Yes, I'm very overprotective towards her. She's my mom. I'm entitled to be. Other people come before me, they always have. I've never put myself first, and that's probably not about to change anytime soon.

I hope somebody reads this, it'd be a waste. I mean come on, I typed this all out just now....improv man, it works.

So I'm stuck with the decision: Stay, or go? Stay. Go. Stay. Go. Stay. I don't know. I have until the end of June to make up my mind, so I guess I should get to contemplating, huh? This should be intersting.....I guess I have my friends to blame. Damn them. Not really. I can't blame anybody.

Wow...this doesn't even really sound like me, at all. Well, I guess it does...I'll leave you to decide.

Until next time


June 8, 2007
Well, that went along pretty well, so I might as well just continue to write my thoughts down.

No, it's far from over actually; it's just beginning.

My last entry I left off with a decision that I had to make; a fairly tough decision. Hell, I can't be in two places at once, it's impossible. I thought about it for a while, and I have finally come up with an educated decision.

I have decided to go ahead and go to CTC here, and after my two years are up, I'll go from there. I'll either stay here and go to university, go home, or move to a completely different state. That to me, is probably the safest thing to do at the moment, and it's not really setting any long term goals; it's at least giving me some sort of path to follow, albeit a little rocky, but a path none the less.

I'm afraid this entry is going to be MUCH shorter than my last one, but I said what I needed to say, for now.

Tata

Today
Yes, well I see that I have neglected to update this, so I guess since I'm home, and it's Friday, and I have nothing else better to do, I'll just go ahead and update this thing!

Let's see...I do believe that I left off with my final decision, and lucky me I didn't even have to use a lifeline for that! w00t

Well, for starters we moved. We're still in the same state....and in the same damn town....but we moved. We don't live on offpost housing anymore. Nope. We live in an actual HOUSE. YAY!! It's nice too...not very big, but it's nice. We have an actual backyard, and our neighborhood his just awesome. That's a plus.

Now it's just m mom, sister and me. Plus the cats and dog. Jeff gone. And he's lucky because if he were still here I'd....well you get the drift. He and mom had been having....spats....for the past 2 years. I think she should have left him the first time they had had problems, but she didn't. And I can understand why she didn't. She didn't want to tear a family apart, she thought that he would change, she wanted somebody for me and my sister to look up to....all that jazz. Ya no. He didn't change. He never will.

For the last 2 months or so, all he would do is sit on his ass and watch TV, when he was supposed to be looking for a job. He was going to be out of the army on the 25 of August, so naturally a good husband and father would be out there scouring the city for a decent job or two. No. The only time he got off of the couch was to either go to the bathroom, go smoke, stuff his face or change the DVD. He had told mom from the beginning that he would work 2 jobs to support his family. BULL SHIT. He didn't even want to go get one job. So mom finally had enough and told him that if he didn't want to help then he could just leave. It took him 2 fucking weeks, then finally when transportation came to pack all his shit up he left.

We were supposed to get a housing allowance check thingy mailed to us, but it didn't come. The first night mom called to check up on him, you know to make sure he was still alive. Apparently, he was staying at a homeless shelter in Springfield, MO, and he didn't know why the check hadn't come. The next couple of days, it still didn't show. So mom went to go dig some stuff up for herself. Turns out, he had already picked up the check and cashed it. She asked him about it and told her he didn't have a clue as to what she was talking about. Right. He told a outright lie. Bastard. He hadn't even been in MO, he was in IA with his mummy dearest. That man is a piece of shit.

So now we're waiting for our money that he's SUPPOSED to send to us. Only then will mom file for divorce. But if he doesn't do what he says he will, we are FUCKED.

All I can say, is the fool better be glad he isn't within walking distance of me and several other people I know.

On a happier note, I SURVIVED MY FIRST WEEK OF COLLEGE!! I have to ride the shuttle to school at 8:30 in the morning though, but it's all good. Lesse, on Mondays and Wednesdays I have US History from 10:30-11:50, Comp I from 3-4:20 then PreAlgebra from 6-7:05.....Tuesdays and Thursdays I have Intro to Computers in Ag from 12-12:50 (Tuesdays I have a lab from 1-3) then PreAlgebra from 6-7:05. And I have to catch the shuttle home as well. I thought yesterday was gonna suck big time, but I actually found some people to hang out with. GO ME! xD

Well.....that's really all to report for now. I'm looking for a job....so hopefully I'll be able to help mom with our crisis. So, I shall leave you for now.

Until next time


So, as you may or may not see, things have been hectic. But, I'm thankful for what I have. Now all I have to do is wait until next year, and hopefully things will work out.....

I applied for two jobs today, and I HOPE that I get atleast one of them.

But what I really hope is that everything works out...and certain ideas won't be forgotten or shunned......sure he says he want to move here and go to college with me next year, but saying and doing are two different evils. I mean I can live with disappointment, it's happened a lot....my best friend and I were gonna live together and go to school once she gets out, and we were really serious about it too...then a couple of my other friends got into that idea as well. Ya no.

I dunno...mebe it'll work out, mebe it won't....mebe he'll change his mind when he gets here, he might not. I can't predict the future, and I can't promise anything. Guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.

The thing that's bothering me at the moment is that my mom is so wanting me to start dating. >.< Egads summer of '08 hurry up!